Lately, I've been realizing a lot of things and I guess I'm just slowly finding my place in this little world. A lot of talk has been really eating at me and hurting my heart. That sounds so strange but truly, it has been hurting my heart to the point where I can't take it. I find myself wanting to close myself in a dark, empty room after school because I can't handle the gossip and materialistic conversations taking place. It's everywhere and it hurts me for some reason. I don't know why it's been bothering me but I keep being put in a position where I realize all the things people live for are the things I care about least. I think it's because I know what most of them are missing, which is a life with Christ, but it's also because I feel like I live a completely different life than everyone I know.
My life has been far from easy and no matter what anyone says, there's no way you can put yourself in my shoes. I've had to deal with a lot and even though it's been the hardest thing I hope I ever have to go through, I've learned a great deal. Sometimes I find myself wondering if saying that makes me come across like I have been through more than everyone else and maybe that's true, but I hope people realize it's not my intention. I just have different views of the world and I've grown to move past the petty parts of life. Maybe that's bad. Maybe I need to change and let go. Maybe I need to get away from everyone who knows my story. But I definitely don't need all the answers. I don't need to do anything but pray that the Lord guides me exactly where he wants me. Why do we always need control? Why are we always one-upping everyone? Why are we constantly trying to figure out everything about our lives? If I was being completely honest, I am ready to meet Jesus at the right hand of God. What a beautiful, beautiful day that will be and I hate to even think that anyone, especially people in my life, would miss out on that. This life is so temporary. Just think about it. When my mom used to tell me that, I didn't get it. I realized life was short but I didn't understand her meaning. There's so much that we do that doesn't matter. It doesn't fulfill us but for a short time. It's not going to matter one bit when we leave this earth. NOTHING will, except living for Christ. Realizing that just makes me think about what I'm living for. Obviously, I'm living (trying to live) for Christ and making myself happy with material things is fine, but it really doesn't matter in the scheme of things. I know saying this makes me seem like I have all the answers, but TRUST ME, I have no answers. All I know is that I've been let down a lot, I'm constantly learning how to be humble, and it's nice to have a faithful God in the midst.
So, that's what I've been contemplating lately. That's what's on my mind. I usually don't share this type of stuff on my blog and some of you might think I'm weird and never talk to me again, and that's fine. It was just on my heart.